Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
