I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
