The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
