Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
