I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
