I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
