someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
