We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
