Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
