I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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