tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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