My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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