Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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