operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
