I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
