I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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