things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Someone signed my nipple.
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