I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
