I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
