I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
