There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
