3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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