At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
