Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
