Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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