If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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