he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.