everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?