new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.