that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Did you just see the Batmobile???
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
These 25 Rude People Ruined Movies for Everyone Else
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
23 Cringeworthy Responses to “I Love You”
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor