Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels