Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
