YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
