i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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