Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
