god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Randomize
