he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
