girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
then he tried to convert me to islam
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
