I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
