ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
