Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
