My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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