I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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