Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
