So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
