there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish life had little blips of pornography
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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