It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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