i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I want a musical about memes.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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