I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
