i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
