I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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