I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
