Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
