toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
