ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
