apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
