i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
