I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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