I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
