If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I still have a little drunk in my system
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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